The Secret Diary of David Cameron

Grumpy Does The Hokey Cokey

Fake David Cameron — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 19:10:25 +0000

He puts his left foot in it, his right foot in it, his whole self in it, shoots himself in the foot, then does the hokey kokey and turns around, leaves it to Jacqui to sort it out.

Okay, the rhythm need a bit of work.

I think I’ll make that Sam’s first task. He’ll need something useful to start off with.

I’d Call It ‘The Audacity of the Pope’

Fake David Cameron — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 17:21:42 +0000

Greg Hands reckons I should write a book. He even suggests a few topics I might consider – such as social breakdown. Sounds far too depressing to me – where’s the optimism? I thought perhaps a comedy about depressed clown with superpowers that she’s unaware of. Sort of a cross between Unbreakable and Hancock. Eventually, she uses her powers to save the one she loves. Or perhaps a Dan Brown style religio-political conspiracy action thriller. It turns out The Pope did it. Or did he?

Writing a book is something all the old Labour has-beens are doing, though. A sign of the old. We in the Conservative Party want to usher in a new beginning. Writing books isn’t for the modern man. Today we write blogs!

Right?

Reshuffle? Moi?

Fake David Cameron — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 12:42:05 +0000

Okay, I’ve just got back from BBC News, where I was giving my opinions on Grumpy’s ‘lets give a knife criminal full access to a victim’s hospital bed’ idea. I’m fairly certain the viewers at home would have come with me. It’s a stupid idea, and I want to be perfectly clear on that.

Having got back to the blogs, I’ve found the place rife with speculation that I’m going to be reshuffling the cabinet later in the week. Naturally, I have no comment to make. Except this: expect the unexpected. And not the unexpected that you’re expected. More unexpected than that.

A Big Thank You to David Davis

Fake David Cameron — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 13:10:55 +0000

So, I’ve got a little confession to make.

Getting David to stand down was my idea. I was chatting on the phone with Steve, and he was saying somebody’s going to have to sort out this David Davis problem. I mean, it’s a little embarrassing, isn’t it – David’s a good bloke, but he can get a bit hot under the collar, particularly over all this civil liberties stuff. He was starting to get a bit too big for his boots. I said ‘how about if we convince him to just stand down’. Steve thought that was a little direct and maybe he wouldn’t go along with it, but then he had the idea of getting Chakrabati in on the deal.

Needless to say, the rest is history. David’s no loner going to be a problem, I think. Yeah, he can make noise back there, but he’s a teddy bear really.

Anyway, cheers David. A good plan, well executed, thanks to you. All of us were with you all the way. Oh and that cabinet position? Back to Shadow Home Secretary? Offer’s in the mail, friend. Just wait by the letterbox.